They say opposites attract: people of different religions, different cultures, even different (God forbid) political parties can find themselves in love. Yes, as horrible as that may sound, you could find yourself (gulp) involved with a member of the…other party. Fear not.Here’s our guide to maintaining a love affair that spans the aisle:
Pretend to not remember Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s name. Your honey will see it as a sign of disinterest and will love you for it (even though you know damn well what her name is).
Don’t think of their views on abortion as heartless, so much as completely stupid. Remember: idiots need love too. Note: use protection.
If the subject of school lunches comes up, just pretend you don’t hear them. After a moment they’ll go back to eating their overpriced entree and forget all about it.
Explain to them, very slowly, the Second Amendment is actually very clear, and if they don’t understand that they should be shot.
When playing Pinochle with your sweetheart, no matter what happens, don’t use the word “Trump.”
Don’t give your sweetheart access to your bank accounts or WATCH OUT! You’ll soon be broke, or in considerable debt, and all that money will have gone to people who (let’s be honest) don’t deserve it. Beat your honey to the punch and start secretly giving your cash to people who will do some good with it (like making this country better. Am I right?).
Your loved one is going to be overly sensitive about certain subjects their party holds particularly dear. Be advised: they don’t like being called out on their sensitivity, and may lash out when feeling attacked. Try not to laugh no matter how cute you think it is when they get all riled up. Keep a serious expression on your face, and act like you’re receiving an important robocall.
Never admit you voted for/almost voted for/would have voted for Ross Perot.
Do not admit to ever wanting to sleep with/be Bill Clinton.
Try not to argue about immigration policy in front of your gardener, housekeeper, busboy, or new Congress person. It looks muy mal.
Never get into the debate about which party freed the slaves. It’ll end in heartbreak and one of you threatening to enroll as a history major just to prove the other wrong. Don’t take the bait! It was us (sort of)!
Ending an argument with your lover about (alleged)voter fraud is easy: look them straight in the eye and say with a sexy smile:“Somebody needs their ballot box stuffed…”
When the two of you decide to go for it and “play doctor,” remember: not matter who takes the lead, there’s gonna be a ton of paperwork. Be sure they have insurance (Obamacare counts) and take a complete medical history. Make them undress and wait for you sitting on a long sheet of wax paper. After a thorough, 30 second examination, remove your gloves and dash out of the room. You can’t be too careful.
Remember: Their love language is Acts of Desperation.
Keep things hot in the bedroom by always referring to each other how they do on the floor of Congress: “Would the gentleman from Oregon like a massage?” “The lady from Wisconsin concedes the floor…” Make sure one of you keeps accurate minutes to be read back as foreplay the next time you’re intimate. Suggested Safe Word: “Guantanamo”
Admit to yourself that, once you ignore the wackos on the extremes, the two parties (and therefore you and your beloved) have more in common than not: both love our country, both want what’s best for its people, and both hope to crush the other in the upcoming election. Simple.